Monday, October 11, 2010

Not Perfect!

I know, I know, I'm a terrible blogger-and I'm ok with that! I am learning to be ok with things! My entire life I have placed so much pressure on myself to be perfect and to do things perfectly. My dad and I always joked that we were perfectionists and drove ourselves (and each other) crazy! I guess I always knew this trait about myself but until recent days I didn't realize how crippling it can actually be. Being perfect isn't really attainable and if I spend all of my days working to be perfect in all that I do then I am only setting myself up to fail.

You see, I just can't do it all! Since the day we brought Lottie home from the hospital I have been overwhelmed and stressed. There is just too much to be done and not enough hours in the day! I guess, before Lottie was born I was able to fool myself and "make it work." I was always a good student-making excellent grades, a good employee-keeping up with all of my responsibilities, I have always prided myself in keeping a clean house and usually (not always) cooking decent meals for my husband, etc. But, throw a baby in the mix and it just isn't all possible! Believe me, I've tried!

I have been trying for nearly 9 months now to be a perfect mom (making my own baby food, breastfeeding, reading to Lottie every night, etc), be a perfect wife (cooking meals nightly, keeping a clean house, making quality time for Micah, etc) and be a perfect employee (working 40 hours a week). Well, I can't do it! None of these things are bad- I just can't be perfect at everything! I know I'm rambling, but it hit me a few weeks ago that I am trying so hard and the only place it gets me is exhausted! When I work to make all these roles happen flawlessly, I fail at all of them! I am no good to my daughter, my husband, or my patients if I'm tired, worn down, and depressed!

So, I quit! I quit trying to be perfect, I quit comparing myself to other moms and wives, I quit trying to live up to an unrealistic expectation that I've dreamed up for myself and I'll rest in the the grace of my Savior who really is perfect! I'll cast my burdens on Him and live daily in the joy of my salvation! Oh, and I'll hire someone to clean my house (that is my new gift to myself!) I'm working to make these things my new focus and free myself up to be just the person, mom, wife, and employee I was created to be-flawed but redeemed!

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